Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.