If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
You Might Also Like
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.