Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”