I am having an out of money experience.
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…