*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.