Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well