They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Sharon, call the vet
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.