33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.