[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
You Might Also Like
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
it must be school picture day
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes