Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.