[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.