that lip filler tho
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If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My blood type is b hungry.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted