Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
you stereotypes are all alike
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.