Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Poetry is my passion
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Huge, if true.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.