Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.