Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
A friend helps you before you need it
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The Compass
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.