“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
OH. COME. ON.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave