If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Raisins are grape jerky.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I wish I were this cool 😂
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him