Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*