me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.