Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Remember folks 😂
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.