Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Did I do this right
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.