It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
🤣✨#caturday
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating