“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Owl Sanctuary
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.