[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
You Might Also Like
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.