I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie