check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
opening twitter today
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.