“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Education is vital
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy