Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Yep.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.