Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.