I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Bootstraps
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.