Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.