Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?