FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
You Might Also Like
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.