[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
You Might Also Like
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
2 years later
What if the weather talks about us?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.