inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Bros before Ohioes
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.