[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records