6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Are you ok, human???
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.