New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Seems legit
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
There’s always that one guy
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
reviewed some movies recently