I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
HERE’S MARKY
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now