normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
These work great until they don’t.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”