I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
You Might Also Like
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.