If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Rooting for the overdog
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine