Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
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Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
PLOT TWIST:
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Terribly Tuesday.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
concern
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.