Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.