Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Bootstraps
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS