Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
B
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.