Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
barbara was highly relatable
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.