KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?