genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
This was the best day of my life
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster